I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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