I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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