I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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