Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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