planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
