Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Come on in and take your pants off
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