Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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