You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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