nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
