Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
