Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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