I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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