Will you blow on my dice?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
