sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
