Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
