When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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