does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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