More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
