FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
