The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
