why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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