Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The ass gains better be worth it
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