Having a random hookup so left but love u
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
