i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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