well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
