I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
