And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
