I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I can't put those talents on a resume
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
