he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
