went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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