I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
