so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
