I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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