When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
