I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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