If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
