I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
