im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
