dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
