if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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