Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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