I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
