I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
