you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
being pregnant is like rehab
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
