It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
