Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm jealous of your bromance
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
