I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
