I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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