Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
