I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
