I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
