my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
