Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
