he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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